Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Dear Men...

Dear Men...

· You are a “special” breed.
· The World needs you. (Rolls eyes)
· Women love you
· there is no creature alive that drives us (women), crazy in the most horrible and most wonderful ways. Yes. There is no doubt.


There are just a few really important things you need to either be reminded of or educated on...

Less yadda yadda more ching ching (and bling bling)

Any woman who tells you she doesn’t love money is a liar. Repeat after me:

Women Love Money.

We want to earn it. We want to spend it. We want you to earn more and we want to know that some of that is being spent on us. Sharing is caring guys. And you know what “they” say – a happy girlfriend / wife means a happy life. We know that money can’t buy REAL happiness but let me tell you – we will settle for that shallow kind of happiness that a new top or earrings bring every now and again. Spoil your woman!
All women fake orgasms...

Not all of the time but sometimes and usually when we do it, it is to protect your ego. Whatever the reason just accept that the next time your woman is delivering her sexy moan, and yessss give it to me baaaaaby".... There is a 50/50 chance that she is feeling nothing down there. That's right. A big fat 0 (that's a zero by the way – Not THAT "BIG O you are amazing" type O).

There are just nights where you can be moving like Theo Kgosinkwe (of Mafikizolo) and we are just not feeling nothing. Sometimes what you do works and sometimes it doesn’t. We love it when it does, but the reality is that our vaginas are more complicated than us and even harder to please.

So when our pleasure palace is on strike and we are just having sex with you to keep you happy and from getting it elsewhere – we get our fake freak on. This normally entails us mimicking the sounds and actions of a porn star. You of course get excited to the point of no return. You cum and thanks to us, you do so with your ego intact. Not ideal. Not what you wanted to hear, I know.

But let me put this into perspective for you..Would you rather have an enthusiastic “ yess yess thats it big boy” that is fake OR a “Sorry honey, your average-size penis just wasn’t hitting the spot tonight” that is the truth? I am guessing you are going to go with option A.

While on the subject of sex kindly be advised of the following: We do not like swallowing your love juice. Please stop forcing the issue. We do not want to feel like we are taking part in Fear Factor every time we give you a blow job.

Fanny farts are really embarrassing for us. Do not laugh like a school boy when it happens. Pretend you didn’t even hear it. We fake orgasms to protect your ego, the least you can do is feign temporary deafness. OK?

When you are going down on me please take your time. Do not be eating like it is your last meal.
Please neaten up your nether regions. If you want that area to get special attention best you be trimming or shaving. There is nothing worse than a ball hair stuck in your throat or in between your teeth. Gross. Sort that bush out!

The perfect woman...

Please accept that we want you to believe that we are cute, pretty little things that never sweat, have bad breath, burp, fart or do the number 2. We want you to buy into the fantasy that we always smell nice, look good and we wake up with minty fresh breath and dewy skin.

If you feel us waking up before you and sneaking out of the bed – don’t wake up and grab us back into bed for a quickie. Trust me – no woman feels sexy first thing in the a.m! So in future if you want GREAT GOOD MORNING SEX - pretend to be fast asleep and let us go to the bathroom, brush our hair (only to mess it up again so it doesn’t look like we have brushed it – it’s called perfecting the bed-head look), let us brush our teeth– we will climb back into bed ready for some morning glory! A confident woman is better in bed. Fact. And we feel confident when we look good.

The perfect woman does exist – you are with her right now. And she works flipping hard to keep up her little perfection act. And it is not about being fake or anything. We just want you to feel like you won the lottery every time you look at us. Play along and play your part! And while you are at it, show some appreciations will you?!

Cheating...
Do you remember the first time you saw your woman? Do you remember what it was that drove you to go up to her and make conversation? Perhaps it was her smile, her eyes, her body maybe it was just the way she was laughing and having a good time with her friends.

Do you remember how excited you were to see her –all.the.time? The sex was great. Everything was just fantastic and you made her your own. Your prized possession.
Why does it all change in your brain after a few years (for some of you months)? What is it that makes you forget all those wonderful things?Would it be so hard for you to remind yourself of these things next time you feel the urge to stick your tongue down (or penis in) another woman?

Come on man, get your sh*t together. You have a woman. She loves you and once upon a time you were just as wild and hot for her as you are for the chick giving you the eye at the bar. Stop being so easily led astray. A little flutter of the eyelashes and a compliment from a stranger and all resistance and commitment flies out the nearest window? It's moments like these, you know...when your brain cells start travelling from your head to your penis that you really need to be strong. Get up and go home. Do whatever but DO NOT CHEAT! Is it not enough to know that another woman found you attractive? This surely means you've still got it going on. So go home and get it on with your woman!

The ex files...
We don’t like her. Ok? No matter what we say, no matter what you say – we do not like her. We cannot help wondering if the sex was somehow better with her. We are jealous of all the things you did with her and have not done with us yet. We hate that she has a rocking body and we do not. Please do not stay in contact with your ex. Unless of course you share a child or two. Then it is a different ball game. Other than that there are no exceptions...

All women are insecure. Even the most beautiful ones. Keep reassurance at a constant “all time high”!

She is your past and we are your present – hopefully your future too.